My Story: Life After Loss

The death of a loved one is always challenging. I debated some time about sharing my story of personal loss however, Think Can Will was created to help others, so this is to let anyone that needs to hear it right now know, you’re not alone and, you will be ok.

So here goes…

In October 1999, I lost my Dad to a heart attack – he was 44. Facing the World at twenty years old without my father’s guidance, honestly, felt pretty daunting.

Today, 21 September 2021 marks the 20th anniversary of what was, and still is, the worst day of my life. I was 21.

On 21 September 2001, my little brother, Michael, or Mikey to me, was killed in an accident whilst on his way to work. He was on his motorbike and as is so often the story, the driver ‘didn’t see him’. 

Mikey didn’t stand a chance. He was 18 years old. 

It was also the day before my birthday and hearing what had happened knocked me clean off my feet. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and my life had been emptied of all purpose.

The first three months were spent in darkness. My life was dark, my head was dark and my heart, what was left of it, was dark. 

I was like a zombie – completely numb. I would manage to function just enough to get by. I could drag myself to work and back but beyond that, honestly, I was just an empty shell. 

I couldn’t go out or socialise. My interest in talking to anyone had completely wained and my ability to smile had been taken from me.

I’d go to bed, crying from the pain. I’d wake up, crying from the pain.

After a few weeks of this I knew I had to snap out of this. I realised that life is all about choices and I had a choice. 

I could either live in wallow and let it take over my life or, I could go out there and live the best life I can, for myself, and in honour of my little brother.

So that’s what I decided to do and I set about rebuilding my life.

“Life is always about choices”

The challenge was immense. It is so difficult to think about moving on and living your life when you know it’s not going to be the life you had or want, and that there will always be this void in everything you do from this moment on.

My best advice here is to take your time. Be gentle and kind on yourself, and take it one day at a time.

There are good days, there are bad days. Sometimes I would catch myself smiling at something and then quickly stop myself because, “how could I smile when I’ve lost my brother?” 

Feeling guilty for being alive is real, and feeling guilty for enjoying life is hard. I would tell myself that this is what he would want, he would want me to start being happy again. 

”Take your time, be gentle and kind on yourself”

The first year goes by in a blur and you’re forced to deal with some uncomfortable times.

The first Christmas, the first time you bring in a New Year, their birthday, your birthday, are all so difficult and then, the first anniversary.

It doesn’t feel like much has changed in twelve months. You’ve tried to move on but you remember that day in every minute detail, and it still feels like the wound from where your heart used to be is open and raw. I’ll be honest, at twenty years, I still remember every minute detail of that day.

After this point, once you’re in to the second year, it’s about moving forward as best you can. You have to dig deep to find the inner strength and will to push yourself to participate in life again, to smile, to laugh. 

It may go against how you’re feeling inside but you have to find that strength to push on.

Was there anything you talked about doing together? Do it. 

Was there anything they wanted to do? You could do it in their memory. 

Was there anything you told them you wanted to do in life? Go out there and do it.

For me, Mikey loved cars. He had been working on cars with Dad since he was a kid and he had ideas on how I should upgrade my car. We’re talking body kit, bigger alloys, upgrading engine performance and so on. 

So I did it. 

And every time I got in that car, I felt OK because I had done what Mikey had wanted to do.

I know it might be tempting but please try to avoid turning to anything that numbs the pain, alcohol, drugs, that kind of stuff. 

I believe that we are given the life that we have the strength to handle. 

As much as I wish I did not have to handle this, I have to believe it was to help me become the person I’m meant to be. 

Developing the resilience to make it through these times is not easy, it does not happen overnight. You have to work at it.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going”

Winston Churchill

When I reflect, I can see it’s helped me develop the compassion, empathy, strength and emotional intelligence to be a mentor, guide, and confidante to others over the years, going through their own difficult times.

The milestones will come. Two years, five years, ten years and now for me, twenty years.

Ride the emotional waves…

You just have to let the emotions come.

Remember, whatever you feel, is valid. Don’t try to suppress how you feel, you just have to ride the emotional wave as best you can, and know that you are capable of the strength to make it through.

For some reason, eleven years was a strangely emotional one for me. Maybe it was being into the second decade, I don’t know.

Having said that, the anniversary isn’t a depressing time. My family and I spend the day together, we’ll lay flowers, go for lunch and we remember Mikey. We celebrate his life and contemplate the man he may have become and would be today.

In the early years, it can be difficult to talk about. You want to keep their memory alive but thinking and talking about them stirs up the most heart-wrenching pain.

But don’t hold back. 

If you feel you need or want to talk about them and how you’re feeling. Do it.

Getting those feelings of your chest and out in the open will be cathartic.

If you can’t or don’t want to talk, grab a notebook and let those emotions flow out on to the page. I did, and it really does help.

The age old saying is that ‘time heals’. It does. It’s not easy but you learn to live a different life.

I think about Mikey every single day.

I think about the fun times we’ve missed out on and the special occasions he wasn’t here for.

But I know he’s with me. In my heart, I still set a place at the Christmas table for him. 

Sometimes, I still find it hard to smile or fully enjoy myself. Sometimes I feel lost, I know I’m not who I would be if my brother was still here but, I also believe I’m the person I’m meant to be.

Some years hit you harder.  In 2019, I turned 40. Dad had been gone over half of my life, and Mikey had been gone longer than he was alive, that was such a tough year. I knew it was coming but it hit me like an emotional uppercut. 

Here’s the thing. I believe everything happens for a reason. As difficult as it is, that’s how I try to look at it. For Dad, he could not have handled the loss of Mikey, especially as he was the reason we were in to motorbikes, but to this day, I can’t find a justifiable reason Mikey was taken from us. I just have to believe that how it is, is how it was meant to be.

So, in summary…

Life after loss is hard. But know that life and everything you do is is all about choices and you have a choice. Let it swallow you up in darkness or, turn on the light in your own life and use that to help put some love and light back into this World.

You can’t always control what happens to you but, you can choose how you respond. You can pursue the career, you can go on those holidays, you can experience those once in a lifetime moments, you can embrace the love that comes your way. You can still live a happy fulfilled life.

Rather than being haunted by loss and tragedy, turn your attention to those still in your life.

You develop an appreciation for how short life is, and how precious it can be.

You realise more than most what is important. You can take joy from the simple things in life. A cup of coffee with a good friend means more than you could even explain.

Remember, life’s a journey. It’s full of highs, lows, pain, laughter, turmoil and elation.

Everything that happens, everything you experience is all part of your journey.

I grew up loving motorbikes but couldn’t even look at one for years afterwards, let alone ride one. But after a while, it felt like I had unfinished business and it was something I needed to do, for me. Now, riding motorbikes is one of my favourite things to do again.

There will always be reminders., embrace them with positivity and appreciate that you had them in your life, even if it was for too brief a time.

So Look, life after loss might means things are not how you planned or expected or but, you can get through the pain, and it helps you handle all of life’s challenges because very few things you encounter will be as difficult as what you have experienced.

Make the most of your time. Be kind. Stay strong.